(Note: I wrote this last month. I am sharing the growth process with you.)
I don’t know if I like New Breed’s “Expectation (Miracles, Signs, & Wonders)” song anymore. When I first discovered this song, it was on repeat. This song is everything! It had me at ‘hello’. Like, I’m not kidding. Here’s the first line:
We expect You.
Wha…??? Yeah. These are probably my new favorite “three little words”. That is a truly powerful statement. We expect You. Man. That made me do a happy dance! So one morning, I was singing those words…wait. Hold up. Have you ever felt like God set you up for a lesson? You’ll just be moseying along and then God goes “Bam! Bet you didn’t know there was a message in all of this! Ha ha! Gotcha!” So on that morning, I was singing those words when this gut punch came out of nowhere:
“Are you really expecting Me, Deone?”
Really? That was low, God. You just gonna bust up my morning worship like that?? Fo’ yo’ info…
I didn’t have a leg to stand on. He knows me so well. I mean, I do expect Him for others with all of the miracles, signs, and wonders-stuff. He’s God. Duh. Oh, but not for me though. Now, don’t get me wrong: it’s not that I don’t believe He can. No. I just don’t believe He wants to. For me.
I was led to Matthew 7 where Jesus is speaking, beginning with verse 7: “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: 8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. 9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? 10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? 11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?”
I’m the girl who will call her secret crush to ask him to the dance, but hang up as soon as he answers because I don’t want to risk rejection. That’s me when it comes to God. Ask?? For what? So He can say “Girl, boo. I know you didn’t just fix your mouth to…go on somewhere with that. You must’ve forgotten what happened on September 23, 1993. Guess what? I haven’t.”? Seeking and knocking? Maannn. If I can’t even bring myself to ask, I shol ain’t looking for anything or bruising my knuckles. C’mon now!
This has been the journey of a lifetime, and not the “let’s hit all of the fun tourist spots and take cute pictures for Instagram” kind, either. This has been a painful, off-road, bugs-in-my-teeth type of journey. Just me and Him. And He is bypassing all of the rest stops. God has a way of making you face your issues. There comes a time when you realize that the brick wall in your life is not going anywhere unless you KNOCK IT DOWN. And on that day, God was like “enough is enough” and I was forced to ask myself the hard questions. First on this list: why didn’t I expect Him? It was an easy answer…one that hurt me to admit as a minister.
I didn’t trust Him.
To be continued…